Dear Charles:

I have found the most amazing man and luckily for me he has been mine for nearly a year now, but thanks to my previous partner (who cheated on me several times.. I stayed because I thought I couldn't do better, silly I know), I'm so insecure and scared that he'll find someone prettier or smarter. He tells me all the time that I'm the best thing that's ever happened to him and he doesn't just say it; he shows it. But still I'm insecure! How can I fix myself? I'm scared I'll lose what I have if I keep acting like this. Please help.

—K

Dear K:

I hear the fear in your words... but I also hear a lot of bravery.  You are aware that much of your challenge is self-inflicted (meaning: He is an honorable guy, yet you are afraid that he will become/embody the relationship you had before.) This is one of those cases where love is an inside job. You're right in thinking that you can create what you don't want with your fear (meaning: by putting your fear out there in a controlling/icky way, it will manifest what you don't want). 

Here's the reality: What your last relationship did (cheating, belittling, crushing your self-esteem) WASN'T about you; that last guy did it to raise himself up and keep you down. That's about HIM, not you. Your new guy isn't doing those things... and after taking significant damage (like you did), being treated well can either make you feel like you don't deserve it, or that it's not real.

Based on what you've said—and how you have described him—I would ask you to do one thing: Take a deep breath and relax.  The truth is, if someone wants to cheat, there's nothing you can do to stop them. They make a CHOICE to sellout their honor and integrity... and that choice is about THEM, not you. (After all, they could always leave you first instead of screwing you over.) Let go of your need to control things... trust is earned, and if you're a year in with no warning signs... let go a little more.  

Choose your path below