Dear Charles:

I have met this wonderful guy, he really is amazing. I just don't know how to stop things that have happened in past relationships from compromising this one. I have a lot more confidence single than I do in a relationship. I really want this to work and he's been really understanding of my insecurities. He hasn't given me any reason to be insecure. I keep over thinking and over analysing and making myself miserable. Help!

—H

Dear H:

You aren't alone. Many/most people bring their unlearned lessons, fears, vulnerabilities, and "stuff" with them to their [next] relationship. Your insecurity sounds like it's stemming from a combination of: 1) Lack of control; and 2) Being vulnerable. My advice: I get that you are scared of being hurt... but you can't control everything. Part of love is trust and faith. Sometimes you have to let go so that you can grab on.

I know what a challenge it is to let go like that. If a challenging situation arises... take a breath and see if it's your issue (from your past), or if it's him doing something that is a red flag/dealbreaker.

Here's the harsh truth: There's no bulletproof way to protect yourself from getting hurt — other than never starting a relationship. Just relax and enjoy the moment.  You don't need to have all the answers today. Let the future reveal itself, and then you can make your choices with what's in front of you. 

Choose your path below: