Ask Charles: "How can I trust her?"


Dear Charles: 

My girlfriend and I have been going out for a year now and I know she is the one that I will marry in the future. But whenever she goes out with others, I always have that feeling that she is going to do something wrong... even though she has repeatedly said that she will do nothing to ruin us. How do I get rid of this feeling and just trust her in general? 





Dear A: 

I know that feeling. It comes from two related places: A lack of control, and complete vulnerability. Here's how that breaks down:

You have put your heart out... and now you are afraid it will be hurt. But you can't control if it DOES get hurt. As such, you are vulnerable. And many times (perhaps not for you, but too often for so many others) that insecurity comes out as anger, resentment, controlling behavior and more. If she's not exhibiting any red flags of infidelity (secretive, change in behavior/sexuality, unexplained missing time, unexplained irritability,

The bad news: All these things are your issues to sort through. 

The good news: As all these things are your issues, you are in control of how you act  moving forward — instead of REacting to your fear.

My advice: If you trust her... work on letting go of your fear. You won't have a future without trust. If you DON'T trust her... then you would need to have a different conversation.


Dear Charles:

I am currently in a "casual relationship" with someone (no sex, though). This has been going on for two months. The issue I find myself in is when we got together he had recently (and I mean just the week before we met) gotten out of a seven year relationship. (He broke up with her on New Year's Day and I actually met him on Christmas Eve on a night out with mutual friends.) I knew he had a girlfriend and refused to do anything with him other than give him a hug goodbye, but we did talk about his relationship and that he wasn't happy with her. They'd both just gone their separate ways he had gone to uni and graduated and she had stayed the same and they weren't the same. He has told me he doesn't want a relationship at the moment and I completely understand that.

My issue is that he gets jealous and I get jealous when other people give attention. He got obscenely jealous when I received flowers and cupcakes on valentines day from someone else and we seem to be in a constant competition to make the other person jealous and have the one up. I'm unsure what I should do, do I carry on the way we are (which isn't heartbreaking or soul destroying but just a bit confusing) hoping he will realise that I'm worth settling down for again (he has told me he likes me far more than he thought he would and is organising evenings out for us together to the west end, dinner and hotel etc) or do I just cut loose now and save the potential heartache in the long run? Could he even change?



Hi P:

For any long-term relationship, he needs time to adjust to a single, "new normal." If he were the one writing in to me, I would be telling him to relax... let life unfold... get back to SELF before getting into something new.

That said, he can't have it both ways. If he wants a committed/exclusive relationship, then he needs to be IN one. However, I would caution you that he needs time to get past a [very] recent break-up. Otherwise, you will be his official rebound.

My gut: Don't worry... relax. If you have fun together and things are good... don't put the additional pressure of "we need to be in a relationship now" come into play. Let things unfold... but let him know that non-exclusive is just that: NON-EXCLUSIVE... for both of you.

Need advice? Send Charles an inbox message by visiting his Facebook Page and clicking the "Message" button. All submissions are kept anonymous unless otherwise requested and become the property of Charles J. Orlando and The Problem with Women... is Men. Given the volume of messages received, please allow a minimum of 8-12 weeks for a response. Charles answers all messages personally, so your patience is appreciated!