Dear Charles:
I met this guy and went out a few times. Every date has been amazing. Too amazing, actually, because I ended up at his place at the end of the second date. (The sex was mind-blowing, BTW). We've been dating for the last couple of months, but at the end of every date he wants to go back to his place. And it's become very routine: I talk and text with him all week (usually texting, as he is busy at work), then Thursday afternoon asks what I'm doing Friday night. Friday he picks me up, we have a great time and then ---- you know.
I sent him a text last Sunday (the morning after) because I'm getting confused. He was silent all week and then finally answered me (text attached) the next Friday morning with an excuse of "Sorry, I've been busy," and a promise that we would talk that night. Same date. No discussion. Great sex. No clarity from him.
What's the deal? Am I just being used? Because I feel like it.
--A
Hi A:
There's a couple of things that stand out for me in your letter.
The expectations between you were set early in the relationship: he was charming, said the right things, did the right things... and you ended up in bed. No problem or shame in that; sex is great, and you thought he was being genuine, so you let your guard down. But his message is really clear: "I'll text you on Thursday for a date Friday" — which actually translates to, "I'll text you on Thursday for sex Friday night." If you're looking for a casual relationship, it works. But from your letter, you seem to be wanting more than that... which leads me to...
The fact that he didn't address your feelings is an obvious red flag. From his behavior, he seems to be using his charm to make you feel the right way to lower your guard—and pants. From there, he just needs to play things cool—and keep you guessing, wondering, and chasing him—until the next Thursday night, so can set up a date.
Here's the harsh truth: If you have been dating a guy for a few weeks and all he has is Friday nights available, there is a very good chance that he's full of sh*t and is playing you. Two months is enough time to establish what's what for a relationship in its early stages. You don't need to know if you are getting married (obviously), but to know if he wants to spend some time with you—real time—should be a no-brainer. And that is a glaring red flag: "Only Friday night" means no Saturday nights (a guy who is interested will want to spend his Saturday night with you) or weekend time during the day, when you can do things together that are out of the bedroom, also. he would want that, too.
My gut: He's texting 24 hours in advance for a regular Friday night booty call. Can that change? Perhaps... but only if he really wants to invest... only if he's truly interested in you.
My advice: Put your needs out clearly... then, back off and let him do his half of the work. If he is really into you, he will put in real effort beyond a text message looking for sex. If not, he'll stop contact — which will save your head the stress of wondering and your heart the pain of being used. However: I would bet that if the sex is really good, he will play the role of "good boy" for a while... until you let your guard down again, and then return to the "I'm busy" routine. You would have to hold the line of "I will not settle for second best" and create a scenario where he needs to value you and invest... or be gone.