Dear Charles:
I've been with my boyfriend for three years. Recently, he proposed and we were officially engaged. But the day before Christmas—without notice—he sent me a text message telling me that he's been seeing another woman, and that it's over. I don't want to call him, but I do love him what should I do? I feel worthless and don't understand why he's acting this way. The same day, he dropped me at work and told me that he loves me, and we didn't even argue. What did I do wrong?
—R
Dear R:
I'm so sorry for your experiences. I know you are in a lot of pain and confused with his behavior... but I need to be straight with you: If someone can drop you cold after three years — with a marriage proposal — then something else is really going on. My gut is that if he is seeing another woman, it's likely that relationship has been happening for some time and you just found out about it.
But consider this: Him choosing to leave you that way isn't a reflection of YOUR worth... it's a reflection of HIM not being worthy of YOU. Your self-worth isn't dependent on his acceptance of you. He made choices that hurt you... and for that I'm profoundly sorry. But HIS choices don't define YOU or your worth.
My advice: He will likely be back to ask for forgiveness... and I would ask you to consider NOT forgiving him. If he can treat you so poorly after so much time together, a marriage to him will likely not improve the situation. It comes down to a simple question — Who will YOU CHOOSE to value more: HIM... or YOU?